I created this blog a couple of years ago during one of many epiphanies gone by the wayside. At the time, I was caught in the high of being a spiritual seeker. I voraciously consumed books, blogs, books, documentaries, books, podcasts, books. Anything to stuff the intellect to the gills, to quell the mental cravings and preoccupations that something out there could cut through the incessant jabberings of my inner Woody Allen.
Every so often I practiced some of what I read. The consummate sprinter, my spiritual practice took the form of short, sporatic bursts of intense focus followed by long periods of…what? Not that my intellect ever ceased. If there was ever a long-distance runner or 800 page novel, it’s Intellect. Flow on the other hand, that’s my sprinter, my collection of short stories.
When my partner was diagnosed last year with a serious illness, it was as if I were suddenly the sole competitor in a Track and Field meet. My sprinter and long-distance runner, my relay team, my hurdler, high jumper, shot-putter and discus thrower were at once amped and numbed to life. I fluctuated wildly between Intellect and Flow, denial and deep connection, hope and dismay.
Lately, I’ve noticed the encroachment of resignation, of “Oh, this is his/my/our lot in life.” The idea of destiny and fate interspersed with magical thinking and metaphysical jargon. Did I will this? Did I attract this? Shit, I’m thinking a negative thought! Shit I’m creating negativity! Shit, I”m not being a good support person! Shit, stop being so self-absorbed! Shit, stop thinking so negatively! Shut the hell up, inner Woody Allen! Shit, shit, SHIT!
I’m not the one who is sick. I’m not the one who directly feels the fibrosis, the terror of crippled breath or the chop salad of pain. I’m not a caregiver in the most literal sense, as my partner is able to care for himself.
Still, this is a profound experience. Perhaps other partners, siblings, children and parents of people struggling with serious illness can relate.
So profound that whether or not I consider this an instance of worldly fate, it’s undeniably spiritual. I’m not busy being a spiritual seeker. I’m simply living this experience. This long-distance experience with room for sprints and rest.
It’s What Is right now. What Is is a mirror with infinite reflections. If we’re alert, we catch slivers of our reflection. These slivers form constellations. We look to them to glean insight about our place in the Cosmos, our lot in life and the impermanence of it all.
What Is is a master teacher.
Lucid Amphibology 